How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He achieved escape velocity.
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Which frog has horns?
A bull frog.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.
What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson!
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
One mermaid said to the other, "I love your shell bracelet, can I Triton?"
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
Why was the marathon runner plucked out of the race and taken away to jail?
For resisting a rest.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
What did one ornament say to another? I like hanging with you.
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
"Someone's stolen the grass from my garden," said the man looking forlorn.
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
After a long March, April always puts a little spring in my step.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.
I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.