What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology?
Answers on a postcard please.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
Why did the Iron Chef have to stop cooking? He ran out of Thyme.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
Water you doing, my friend?
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I'd have a cow pie in my eye.
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
What do koalas do when they see social injustice happening in the world? They fight for ekoalaty!
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.
Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.
What do you call a thirsty camel ?
A dry humper.
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
People are always after me lucky charms.
What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
Hardcore programmers will agree that neither of them would use AC because they all prefer to open windows.
"That was a howling adventure!" said the werewolf to the zombie.
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
Why don't orphans make good baseball players?
Because they don't know where home is.
What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.
I just flew on a plane with an all female flight crew.
It was an....unmanned aircraft.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.