Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
What do you call a zombie with lots of kids?
A mom-ster.
A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite toy?
A. A bab-boom-orang.
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
I really hate these strings. I can feel it in my gut.
What is a dog’s favorite movie about dinosaurs?
Jurassic Bark.
The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn't have one.
What did the pinecone say to the pineapple? Nice to meet juice.
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
What do you call a gestalt consciousness of plants?
A chive mind.
My wife just yelled that I should fall in a pit or hole sunk into the earth to reach a supply of water and die.
I know she means well.
There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.
Why was the teenager deer a bad driver?
He didn’t want to use the deering wheel.
What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.
Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
Why did the cat keep meow-ing? It didn’t want to be fur-gotten.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
What did the dinosaur ask his pet dog when he wanted afternoon tea with him?
Do you want some tea, Rex?
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
Is your eyesight as bad as your cell phone reception? Because that was a terrible call.
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
Car puns are really tiring
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.
What a Messi guy.
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Where do beavers go for a hair cut? To the bobber shop.
What do France and a pigeon have in common?
Every 5 minutes, there is a coo.