You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
Fall arrives, and all hell bakes loose.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
What does an owl with an attitude have?
A scowl.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles
When the defender was put in the box for spearing Jaromir Jagr, he
complained "but it was only a poke-Czech!"
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a bell?
An alarm cluck.
What sport do wasps love?
Sting-pong.
I stopped my phones to the cloud, and I kept getting mist calls.
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
What is a car’s favourite film?
Taxi.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Why are geologists great dates?
They can make your bedrock.
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
What is a car’s favourite bug?
A beetle.
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter