Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
You're the ruler of my heart.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto.
His look was pasty.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
Best in snow.
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
The hiker hated the top of the mountain because it was all downhill from there!
Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
What can one parrot do?
Not as much as toucan.
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
How do you kill a troll?
Take away its internet access.
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
French fries aren’t cooked in France
They’re cooked in greece.
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
What medicine do you give to sick ants?
Antibiotics.
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant
He heard there was a fishy business.
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
Did you hear about the elf who was a little hard of hearing?
She had to keep saying "Sleigh, what?"
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
How are a volleyball player and a carpenter similar? They both love to hammer spikes.
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?
Saturn Uranus.
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.