How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
How did the telephone propose to his girl?
Duh, ain’t it obvious? He gave her a ring!
Why do trees always get hired? They have the right qual-leaf-ications.
What can I say? I enjoy going to court.
So sue me.
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
Q: Why did the tornado take a break?
A: Because it ran out of wind!
Silly sheep weep and sleep.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Why did the orange go to the doctor?
“It wasn’t peeling well.”
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
No one really enjoys crying wolf. However, the boy did cry just to get a howling experience.
Which Nordique great has recurring ligament problems? Peter Spaz-knee!
Q: What kind of desserts does a turkey like?
A: Peach gobbler.
Was your guacamole salad good?
Yes, it was avocado this world.
Q. Which kind of deer has a serious drinking problem?
A. The elk-oholic.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
A spider called a tech support office.
He needed help connecting to the web.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
It's ice to meet you.
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?
"Do not consume if seal is broken."
What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert? O' Camel ye faithful.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
"Some people have no guts."
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
What is one of the big tiger's most favorite hangout places? A shopping maul.
A robot is eating a hard drive for lunch.
The robot's friend asks for a bite and the robot says "Sure, but just a small bite." His friend takes a bite and the robot shouts, "Hey! That's a megabyte!"
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
What do you get when a dinosaur walks through the strawberry patch? Strawberry jam.
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
Did you hear that cats have carried out a Coup in Barcelona and declared independence from Spain?
They're calling themselves the Republic of Catalo-nya.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled...
But it's hard to say...