When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
What is a car’s preferred mobile phone brand?
No-Kia.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
What kind of car do bears drive?
Fur-aris.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
Skiing is believing!
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
What is a Ghost’s favourite toy to play with? Leg-oooooooooooooooo!
A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.
Why can’t minerals ever lie?
They’re always in their pure form.
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.
Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!
Why did the sloth get fired from his job? He would only do the BEAR minimum.
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a bell?
An alarm cluck.
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
It’s a dam shame.
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?