What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.
Both tournament directors published the schedule at the same time. It was a draw.
Why did the bus driver stay out all night? He was 'driving' around town!
Why were the herbs not fully grown yet? They didn't have enough thyme!
"I'm so egg-cited, I just can't hide it."
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?
Camembert.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
What did the deer write in his journal every day? Deer diary.
KID :"DAD, make me a sandwich."
DAD :"Poof, you're now a sandwich."
When the cow forget how to give milk, she was udderly confused.
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
Picking your favorite snack can be like picking the slowest turtle in the pack.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
If you photograph your pimples, is zit art?
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
How can you tell that the ocean is friendly? It waves!
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
That raven is so stubborn at times, he just needs to crow up.
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Why are dinosaurs no longer around? Because their eggs stink.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.
Thank brew very much.
What did the snail say to the other who had hit him and run off? I'll get you next slime!
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.