Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.
What do you do with a green ghoul?
Wait until it ripens!
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
Why did the sapling jump in the ocean? He wanted to swim with the manatrees.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
How come there are no automatic cars in Spain?
They’re all Manuel.
If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
Recently I was at a store walking down the flash drives and hard drives section.
I have to say, it was quite a walk down the memory lane.
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
How Rudolf you to say that!
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
Where are sharks from?
Finland!
What do you call a baby owl stuck in the rain?
A moist owlette.
Daughter: I think I'm going to put my hair in a bun tomorrow.
Dad: We're all out. You'll have to use bread.
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
What do you call an emergency in the spring?
May day.
Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
What time do werewolf Cowboys have a shootout?
High Moon!
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
What happened when Turbo lost his shell? He began to feel sluggish.
I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.
I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.
The Christmas alphabet has noel.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
“You’re my soul Santa.”