My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
What is the similarity between a male deer and a beaver? Both have buck teeth.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
Where do kangaroos like to eat?
At IHOP.
Why are dinosaurs no longer around? Because their eggs stink.
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
What makes a glow worm glow?
A light meal!
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
How can you tell that the ocean is friendly? It waves!
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.
Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!