If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment when they discover a hard drive labeled "KGB".
One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, "Why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?"
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
Why can't inmates read a clock? Because it's hard time.
What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?
A hobblin' goblin.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load.
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
What dinosaur knows a lot of synonyms? A thesaurus.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!
What is the shortest month of the year?
M-A-Y.
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
Someone left their tea on my desk. It smells so good, but I won't drink it. That's just not my cup of tea.
What was the main job of the bread truck? To haul buns.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
How does a kangaroo pick his favorite baseball team?
He jumps on the bandwagon.
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
Just brew it!
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
Why did the zombie comedian get booed off stage?
Because the jokes he told were rotten.
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
"You are so bottlefull to me."
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
Wear green, or leaf.