Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.
How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.
I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
Why do ghouls like ice cream?
Because it’s ghoulilicous!
A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
What was the scariest prehistoric animal? The Terror-dactyl!
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
The weather outside is snow joke.
Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.
What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.
He is the best chef in the city. His soups take my broth away.
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
Red ship hits Blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: That's on a need to mow basis.
Roofs of mushrooms rarely mush too much.
As soon as the plane was invented, things started looking up.
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
Just had Lobster Bisque for the first time!
It was souper good!
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
I’ve been getting blitzed all game.
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
When the defender was put in the box for spearing Jaromir Jagr, he
complained "but it was only a poke-Czech!"
I would rather breed mice than crows
Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
Which condiment is a mouse’s favourite?
Mouse-tard.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
But it's up there.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
Musicians?
Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s.
How many atoms are in guacamole?
Avocados number.
Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.
What did the cherry say when it was given a bunch of flowers? You are cherry sweet.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.