Roses are red, violets are blue, I ain't no poet, but neither are you.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”
It's a nice night for a white rice fight.
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
I'm considering becoming a cinematografur.
What is the most popular flower in France?
Croissanthemums.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
Q: Why do the tiger not attack the farm?
A: He was a little bit sheepish.
What’s a dog’s favorite condiment?
Fetch-up.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.
What kind of fish will help you hear?
A herring aid!
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
How did the shark plead in the murder case?
Not gill-ty.
Scientists permit us to see the sun in different light.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?
The curdles.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
Busy buzzing bumble bees.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.