I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
But it's up there.
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
"I whip my hare back and forth."
"Great minds drink alike."
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
Why did the volleyball player have ropes and shoe strings? They wanted to tie the score.
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Jack has a large neck so he decided to wear a bowtie to his wedding. Otherwise, he’d end up with a tiebreak.
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox.
Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.
Q; What’s the difference between origami and grandpa passing wind?
A: One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.
How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
"Rosé all day."
If you ever have to defuse a bomb, never cut...
The Blew wire.
What's the fastest thing on the river bed?
A motor-pike and side-carp.
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa? A Christmas Quacker.
What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.