What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.
Who is the most famous actor in Greece ?
John Travolta.
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
Which candy do astronauts like? Marsbar.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
If you have a parrot, it says a lot about you!
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
What time do spacemen get up? Alien in the morning.
Whats the first day of the week called in outer space?
Moonday.
What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?
A salt rifle.
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
I was walking by a yard sale the other day.
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew I couldn’t turn that down.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
On which day do tiger eat people?
Chewsday
What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?
I think you’re dandelion.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
I like big punts and I cannot lie
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.