While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."
Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
I can sea clearly now.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
To beer or not to beer… That is the question.
What do apres-ski participants in white-out blizzard conditions eat for lunch?
Icebergers. BRR!
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
What does the mushroom say to his lover? – “I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.
Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
Why are Ghosts in such good shape? Plenty of exorcise and a good die-t.
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
Why do trees have to drink responsibly? Otherwise, they become a bunch of trunk idiots.
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy disks!
How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
Those who study the moon for their course or as a habit, are optimists. And that is because they look at the brighter side always.