The boot black brought the black boot back.
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
A slow poke is what you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine.
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
The bartender asks one of The Beach Boys what they’d like, so he looks back to his friends
“Get a round?” “Round?” “Round?” “I’ll get a round!”
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
"You're the wine that I want."
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
A robot is eating a hard drive for lunch.
The robot's friend asks for a bite and the robot says "Sure, but just a small bite." His friend takes a bite and the robot shouts, "Hey! That's a megabyte!"
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
How did the shark plead in the murder case?
Not gill-ty.
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw? Because they don't know how to cook it.
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
Was a bit lonely by myself at home last night on Valentine's Day so I decided to make my own bread.
I was feeling quite kneady
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
What happened to the zombie that made him visit the doctor? He had a crummy feeling.
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam.
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.