How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
Fir sure.
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
Ever had real cane sugar?
It cannot be beet.
A pessimistic pest exists amidst us.
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.
If pigs learned to fly, would the price of bacon skyrocket?
skyrocket
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
My fat parrot escaped from its cage... To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders!
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
What did the fish say to the mermaid?
- Have a fintastic day!
A snapping turtle is a turtle that takes up pgotography.
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles
What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”
What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!
Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
An American guy visits a friend in Scotland.
When he arrives at his friend's house, he asks "Can I use your Wifi?"
The friend looks a bit perplexed, but then he smiles and says, "Sure ye can, she's up th' stairs."
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac