A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
Eddie edited it.
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
What does a chicken need to lay an egg every day?
Hen-durance.
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.
Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
Why did the volleyball player join the marines? To serve our country.
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.
Books are my kind of texts.
Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
How do you throw a space party? You planet.
Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Why do trees have to drink responsibly? Otherwise, they become a bunch of trunk idiots.
What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
How do you get down off an penguin?
You don’t – you get down off a duck.
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
I have the final sleigh.
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.