What do pups eat in Italy?
Pawsta.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
Why did the larger car go first?
It had the right of weigh.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?
All the girls I meet keep thinking I’m a sheep.
Every time they see me they say “Ewe”
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
Why are Ghosts in such good shape? Plenty of exorcise and a good die-t.
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
It was a play on words.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
What do the lady pigs say when someone leaves the toilet seat up? “Hoof-orgot to put the seat down?"
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
Why did the orange help the old lady cross the road?
To do a random act of rindness.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
H20 is water, but what is H204?
It’s for swimming and drinking, of course.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
What do alligators call human children?
Appetizers.
What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases airplanes!
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
Musicians?
Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s.
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
How do you find zebra?
Look under zeshirt.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.