Mistakes happen.
No need to terrier-self up about it.
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
Why shouldn't you feed elves shellfish?
It makes them crabby!
What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
It won’t be long now.
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
What was the puppy's costume for Halloween?
The Big Bad Woof.
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
I love you so fairy much.
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
Would Gretzky have changed his name in order to play in Mexico?
Yes, The Great Juan did what it takes.
What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
Theatre costumes must be handled with care since they're often laced with something.
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
"I'm eggs-hausted."
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!
What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!
What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
What do you call a storm that doesn't come to fruition?
A mist opportunity!
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.
What do you call a herd of undead llamas?
The zombie alpacalypse.
Q. What do gorillas and big apes do to make each other laugh?
A. They tell punny jokes about humans!
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
An Indonesian Giant stubbed his foot on a volcano...
- Did he Krakatoa?
Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C: