What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
I’m soy
into you.
What would a potato say to a peach? – “You have a nice pit!”
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”
He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again
What did the shark say to the whale?
What are you blubbering about?
What do vegetarian zombies say?
Graaaiiinnss!
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
We've reached the point of snow return.
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
What did the deer say after she saw her Amazon bill?
“I spent too much doe!”
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
My weekend is fully booked.
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!
Nothing runs a pun like bad spelling, accept poor grammar's.
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.
Where did the independent cat decide to live? In Catalonia!
What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
What did the oreo cookie say to his filling? You’re my butter half.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
What do you call a owl dance party that only plays folk music?
A hootenanny.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.