Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
What was the main job of the bread truck? To haul buns.
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
What happens if the Grim Reaper spikes the ball? You have to dig your own grave.
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
The chicken got sent off in the middle of the match because of their persistent fowl play.
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
I sang the rainbow song to a cop yesterday.
They arrested me for colorful language.
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.
There’s a big thunderstorm. The road is blocked by a big mudslide. A little boy asks his dad, “Why does earth fall down like that?”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”
How did they punish the longshoreman whose improper ship mooring caused the destruction of a pier?
They docked his pay.
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!
What time do werewolf Cowboys have a shootout?
High Moon!
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
Which city do hamsters live in?
Hamsterdam.
What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
Why was the beaver not arrested when he jumped into the Nile? Because he was a juve'nile.
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
This is snow laughing matter!
My dog recently joined a gang. Now he’s all about that pug-life.
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".