Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
Where do all the cool mice live? In their mousepads.
What did the river ask the beaver? "Water you doing today?"
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
My husband hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then he sat on it.
Eventually he came around.
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
Are Jellyfish sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish?
What do racehorses eat?
Fast food.
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
Q. How did the wedding between the stag and the doe begin?
A. Deerly beloved...
What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
Why do we enjoy wine jokes?
Because they're de-vine!
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man?
Then he learned how to make friends.
Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.
A bit late but here goes anyway: what do you call the elf who checks Santa's grammar?
A subordinate claus!
Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
What did the beaver say to his girlfriend?
Chew make me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.