Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
What is an ogre's favorite snack?
Y-ogre-t.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
My weekend is fully booked.
What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.
How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.
What do ghouls drink?
Boos!
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
"learn to play piano by ear!"
"Thanks, I'd rather use my fingers."
How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
People always talk about the 'Eye Of The Tiger'. No one talks about the other four letters.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
A potato gave a gift to his girlfriend.She said, “Aww, why are you so sweet? ”He said, “It’s just the
way I yam.”
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
French fries aren’t cooked in France
They’re cooked in greece.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
Some guy asked dad for the WiFi code.
Shrugging his shoulders and giving a sympathetic look, he responded: I can't figure her out either.
I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.