Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
How can you tell that vampires love baseball?
They turn into bats every night.
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
You’re my lucky charm.
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
There is no glory in practice, but without practice there can be no glory. This volleyball pun is very inspirational. For you to do your best, you have to be willing to practice.
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
German Wi-Fi is the WURST.
There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water.
Number one. And number two.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
I used to fear giants.
Now I look up to them.
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
What do you call a row of 5 tow trucks?
A foot.
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
Why don’t cows drink artificial milk? It’s too pow-dairy.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.
What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.
What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
I read Reims of info before I got here, but nothing can prepare you for how beautiful this place is.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
What do you call an alligator who is holding a compass?
A navigator.
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
You get as far away as possible.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Should a gun company rename themselves "Question"?
That's a loaded Question
I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.
Hey you like cherry preserves ?
Never mind, its probably not your jam
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.