What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
Why did the skeleton have a broken heart?
His Boney lay over the ocean.
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
What did the chicken do when his shop caught on fire?
He egg-xited..
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.
What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
The phone rings, and a crow picks it only to find out it’s for her husband. She then says: "Hey John, you have a phone caw."
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.
Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
What’s a rabbit’s favorite game? Hopscotch!
Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees?
They're LUMBARjacks!
Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.
What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology?
Answers on a postcard please.
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
I want to tell you an excellent ice pun, but the problem is that it’s just slipped my mind.
What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date
Have you ever wondered which part of the flamingo has the most feathers? I found out once – turns out it’s the outside.
In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.
Because they have immunity.
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
Bookworms take shelfies.
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!