Why did the pianist quit playing the piano?
Bad Bach.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
What did the drug diller say to the duck?
Are you on quack?
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.
What do you say to a bee that bothers you?
"Buzz off!"
Why is Frankenstein such good fun?
Because he soon has you in stitches.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell.
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?
R n’ Brie.
I feel tail great!
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
We bee-long together.
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
Better read than dead.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
I was at an office conference this past autumn. I made a new friend and when I asked for his contact details, he said, "Here is my November!"
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
What did they Turkey say to the blade of grass? Nice knawing you!
Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
What is a car’s favourite movie character?
Aerial from The Little Mermaid.