What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
I love you a tot!
Two fruit flies are out for dinner.
I'm really enjoy this date...”
“Yeah, but it’s only half rotten.”
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
Q. What happened when the computer geeks met?
A. It was love at first site!
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? Pineapple.
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
Why did the otter cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
Why do gorillas have really big fingers?
Because they have really big nostrils!
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?
Frosted Flakes!
What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Froze-T.
But wait—there’s myrrh.
Q: How did the tiger perform during the show?
A: He was a roaring success.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
What kind of fish will help you hear?
A herring aid!
What is an astronauts favourite type of shirt?
Apollo
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?
How many berries could a bare berry carry,
if a bare berry could carry berries?
Well they can't carry berries
(which could make you very wary)
but a bare berry carried is more scary!
Living in france must be hard
I mean, 100 dollars is only a cent.
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.