What language do they speak in Italy
Times New Roman.
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
What’s a bats favorite desert?
I-Scream!
What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.
Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...
Number.
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station
Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
Why do we love wine puns?
Because they're grape!
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What do you call an elf who won’t share?
Elfish.
One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they felt smart.
Four smart fellows, they felt smart.
Five smart fellows, they felt smart.
Six smart fellows, they felt smart.
Why won't prison life be much different from playing for the Bills? OJ will still have big guys opening holes for him.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
What do you call someone who’s crazy about corn?
A corn-ivore!
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.
Fall arrives, and all hell bakes loose.
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean!
Seed between the lines.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
Why should anyone experiment with thin ice?
It’s the best way to achieve a major breakthrough.
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.