Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
What is a naughty beavers' favorite type of wood ever? Knotty pine.
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto.
His look was pasty.
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.
What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?
- I lost gun-trol.
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
Make your own decisions this summer, don’t give in to pier pressure.
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
Never take a flamingo to the local swimming baths. They really don’t like claw-rine.
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy. Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.
When does a sloth go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
How do two flowers greet each other?
Hey bud, how’s it growing?
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway ...
just in case there’s a traffic jam.
How do old witches get good bargains?
They hag-gle.
Why is the letter B so cold? Because it’s between the AC.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
I think you’re dandelion.
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
I made a snap decision to watch football today
What’s something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?
Baby kangaroos.
An ig is just a snow house without a loo!
What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
My father decided to mow the lawn today. As he mowed, all the grass blade.
What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”