The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.
I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
People keep asking me why I’m working for Dr. Frankenstein.
I’m just trying to make a living.
Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.
As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
Which local sportswriters are most effusive? Those who work in the praise
box!
I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.
Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
Did you hear of the new disease going through France?
I've heard it was a Paris-ite.
Why didn't the artist replace his kitchen sink? Because he said that if it's not baroque, don't fix it.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.
What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.
Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.
I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
It takes one to snow one.
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
Due to social distancing, I had a conversation with a spider today,
Seems nice, he’s a web designer.
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
My strategy is simple, knocking them down a pin at a time.
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
I walked past Mozart's grave.
He was sitting up, shouting "Braaiinnss" and ripping up all his music.
I guess he's a decomposer now.
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
Q: Why was the cloud so dark and stormy?
A: It was feeling mis-thunder-stood.