Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
How do you greet a five-headed ghoul?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello!
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
If Messier retires he's sure to be moosed.
Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didn’t want to toot my own horn.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
Lettuce stop these governmental leeks.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
Why did the skeleton have a broken heart?
His Boney lay over the ocean.
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
What did the chicken do when his shop caught on fire?
He egg-xited..
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.
What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
The phone rings, and a crow picks it only to find out it’s for her husband. She then says: "Hey John, you have a phone caw."
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.
Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.