Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
We make a great pear
What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
Why did the portrait artist take a side job as a census taker? Because he was great at canvassing people.
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? Any kind! A house cannot jump!
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Feeling fintastic.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
Did you hear about the famous Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.
Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
What has 80 teeth and 2 eyes ?
A crocodile.
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but It’s tearable.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
Why aren't there more Bigfoot jokes?
There are, but they're really hard to find!
Why did the two puns go to camp together?
They wanted to be pun-kmates!
Looking out at the water, a father explains why the ice breaks up in the spring.
The changing sea son.
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
What’s a snow princess’s glow worm’s favourite song?
Let it Glow, Let it Glow!
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
What did the deer say to her daughter?
“Soon you’ll be all doe-n up!”
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?
They Use The Sidewalk!
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
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A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.