Which candy do astronauts like? Marsbar.
My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.
Don't fork-get your manners.
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
What do pups eat in Italy?
Pawsta.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
What do frogs drink?
Croak-a-cola.
My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
What's the opposite of a positive crocodile?
A negator
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.
You snow the drill.
My weekend is fully booked.
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
Octopus ocular optics.
How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
What did the deer say to her daughter?
“Soon you’ll be all doe-n up!”
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It's just lowercase.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don’t eat with your mouth full!
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy