I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
Why was the ghoul so smart?
He always ate brain food!
What do you say to a flower after a breakup?
Get clover it.
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
The farmer cried wolf when all his three pigs were mauled by the jungle wolf.
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
"Just one hot chick."
Hunting elephants is illegal as ivory well know.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
Two snowmen were standing in a yard. One asked the other, "Do you smell carrot?" The other snowman replied, "No, but I can taste coal."
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
Shell-abrate the good times!
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
All stereos are so typical.
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.
What did the arirst say to his friend who was stressed? Don't worry, paintbrush it off.
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
What did the married deer couple say to each other? I love you deer-ly!
What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
When the ghost blew his nose, lots of boo-gers came out.
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
What does it take to become a zombie?
Dead-ication.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.