Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
Why does NASA give astronauts pencils to use in space?
Because they've got the Write Stuff.
My friend’s parrot lost his beak in a fan accident and he wanted to find a prosthetic. I sent him to my Uncle Tony.
He fits the bill.
Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
I know a good joke about Ikea furniture, but I'm still putting it together.
The sun replies: I hurt everyone when they come close to me.
The only ship that has never docked on their harbor is the premiership.
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
What’s the one way you should never greet a male pig? “Sow, what’s up?”
Why are coyotes howling in the night?
Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
I have a good nature joke but after listening to it, everyone just leaves.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
I have so many Easter puns, it’s not even bunny.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
What is an ogre's favorite snack?
Y-ogre-t.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
My weekend is fully booked.
What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.
How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.
What do ghouls drink?
Boos!
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’