What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
What do you do if you get attacked by a killer clowns?
Go for the jugular.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
My two cats had a fight today.
They soon hissed and made up though.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
The painter did not want to sit idle because he knew that time white for no one.
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
The bus driver was so friendly and nice, it was a 'joy ride'!
In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.
Because they have immunity.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant?
He had a hunch about him.
I told my boyfriend I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.
Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
Where do bats go to gamble?
Bat-lantic City.
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.
I'd catalog you with the cookbooks because you look delicious.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
Time to spruce things up.
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.