How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
What is a female "Douchebag" in France called??
A douche-baguette.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
What is a cat’s favorite type of bird? An e-mew!
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
What do you call a small Minotaur?
A Minitaur.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.
What type of food do worms like?
Your Halloween Candy!
You mermake me happy.
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
If Messier retires he's sure to be moosed.
Paddy like a rockstar.
Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?
A: Make them do limeout.
Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
What did the drum say about his childhood?
Those were the cymbaler days.
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
Do you know which the most favourite type of fruit of trees is? The pine – apple.
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
What do you call the Greek God of Mexican chickens?
Apollo
Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.