Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
Can I go to France this year? Of Corsican!
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
What do you call a baby tree struck by lightning?
A zapling.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore
Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.
A zoo owner introduced his tiger to the visitors by saying "this is the most paw-some tiger at the zoo".
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed
They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
What was the artist's favorite swimming stroke? The brushstroke.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
I saw a squirrel running in circles in my yard today…
I think it lost its nuts.
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
You don't like the outdoors? Unbe-leaf-able.
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
We did not understand what the mother turtle was saying because it was all in ridleys.
You’re right up my alley.
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
How does a Man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it.
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school?
Her pet-degree.
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
How does a car express love to another?
‘I a door you.’
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”