What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
What did the confused cat say? I’m purr-plexed!
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A tadpole.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
Digital burgers are nothing but processed meat.
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
Why did the skeleton have a broken heart?
His Boney lay over the ocean.
How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day? 92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
You’re my pot of gold.
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War?
World War Won.
Metaphors be with you.
What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.
What do fruit bowls say when they dress up as a ghost on Halloween? Be cherry afraid!
What is a cat’s favorite Tom Hanks character? Furrest Gump.
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
I was at a funeral & asked the priest for the WiFi password
"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"
Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.
Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
Which commandment do baseball players hate the most? Thou shall not steal.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
You’re udder-ly perfect.
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
Pick-up line: You might as well play be a tennis player, because I’m about to court you girl.
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
How do you communicate with a fish?
Drop him a line.
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Why are there so many ruts in the ice at the rink?
The maintenance crew must be slipping up.
My dad always said the secret to theatre was to always leave them wanting more.
He was a great guy but a terrible anaesthetist.