What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
How do deer clean their feet?
Hoof paste.
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
How do astronauts cook their meals?
With a Space Heater!
The other day a tree asked for my help with kindling a grass route movement.
I said I wood because it's got a lot growing for it.
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
Your good seed for the day.
What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
What is the most popular flower in France?
Croissanthemums.
I only have ice for you.
What do you get when you cross a vampire bat and a computer?
Love at first byte.
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
Will the Red Wings be able to replace their venerable captain Steve? No, because
when it comes to hockey smarts there is no Yzer man.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
Quackers
Ariel spent the weekend alone because she was feeling a little crabby.
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
Have you found the center of gravity yet? It’s the letter v.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
When a big giant eel takes your hand for a meal...
...that’s a moray.
Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
What noise does a gorilla’s doorbell make?
King Kong
What is a cat’s favorite book? The Princess and the Paw-per.
Who does a witch call for help with computer problems?
Hex Support!
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
I “lub” you.