Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
Shave a single shingle thin.
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
"Let's have some skele-fun."
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were visiting Australia.
Unfortunately, one day they got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and eaten by a pair of crocodiles.
The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
I only have ice for you.
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
Why are vampire families always so close knit?
Because blood is thicker than water.
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
I made a snap decision to watch football today
What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
I always have a ball with you.
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
Let’s spend some koala-ty time together.
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
I was at an office conference this past autumn. I made a new friend and when I asked for his contact details, he said, "Here is my November!"
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
Why did the volleyball player get sent to jail? Because he was set up.
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.
What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?
At least the otter knows he's not a seal.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
Q. Where do Midwest does prefer to give birth?
A. Deerborn, Michigan.
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
Bobby Bippy bought a bat.
Bobby Bippy bought a ball.
With his bat Bob banged the ball
Banged it bump against the wall
But so boldly Bobby banged it
That he burst his rubber ball
"Boo!" cried Bobby
Bad luck ball
Bad luck Bobby, bad luck ball
Now to drown his many troubles
Bobby Bippy's blowing bubbles.
I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
Are you a big fan of beef? I am. In fact, I could eat it until the cows come home.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!