Q. What did the doe say to the louse on her new baby fawn?
A. Gosh deer nit!
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.
Flamingos do annoy each other sometimes. Apparently this is because they enjoy ruffling feathers.
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
The other day a tree asked for my help with kindling a grass route movement.
I said I wood because it's got a lot growing for it.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A bear-faced lyre.
What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
Why do some zombies only eat the rich?
They are in the mood for something gore-met.
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
What do you call fraudulent milk? Cow-nterfeit.
The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
Which birds are good at holding things together?
Velcrows.
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
What do you call the dandruff found on unicorn manes? Horn flakes.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.
Where did the independent cat decide to live? In Catalonia!