Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship.
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
How did the macho bee with eczema feel?
B-Itchy
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
My partner got mad when she found so much spam on my computer.
She said, "Food belongs on a plate!"
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!
Why did the spider crawl up the elephants leg the second time?
It got pissed off the first time.
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
Drink happy thoughts.
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
My counselor gave me a hug today
I guess I got shrinkwrapped
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
Q. What did one artistic colored pencil say to another?
A. Bro, you are lookin' sharp today!
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.
I love you and I ain’t lion.
What do you call referential cheese?
Feta.
“Remember not to leave a fire burning in your fireplace this Christmas Eve, or else you might wake up to a Crisp Kringle.”
I was cracking some lame fall puns when my friend commented, "Gosh, you are acorny person!"
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.