How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were visiting Australia.
Unfortunately, one day they got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and eaten by a pair of crocodiles.
The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
Why did the frog go to the bank with a gun?
He wanted to robbit.
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
Kindly kittens knitting mittens keep kazooing in the king’s kitchen.
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".
From my head tomatoes, I love you bunches.
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
Q. Why was the gorilla's jungle party so lame?
A. Because theyran out of chimps and dip.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
What do you can a kangaroo covered in tape?
Hopscotch
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
What do you call a dog on the beach in the summer? A hot dog!
49. What does a child car play with?
Toy-otas.
Why did the computer wear glasses?
To improve its web sight.
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away?
Now wait just a doggone minute.
Which hulking left-winger could body-slam The Giant? Dave Andre-chuck.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!