Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
You cannot get a basketball game fairly officiated in the jungle because cheetahs are all over.
What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
Is your eyesight as bad as your cell phone reception? Because that was a terrible call.
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
What is the highest compliment a zombie can receive?
- Wow, you're in Grave condition!
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.
How does Frankenstein jump-start his day?
With a shock of lighting.
Why did the dog go to the bank?
To make a de-paws-it. But unfortunately, there was a mastiff line.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
Who did Prince Mushroom fall in love with at the royal ball? - Chanterella!
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
I wish they’d change the scoring system, but tennis is set in its ways and doesn’t see the point.
What is Dr. Frankenstein’s favorite part of a company?
Human resources.
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Why should you never go back in time to alter the outcome of a football game?
You’ll be called for past interference!
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs bunny
I started watching soccer because I could see it’s very relevant to my life.
Little to no goals.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'