What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
With the kind of weather, it was almost certain that the bride-to-be would get a hoarse throat as she walked through the rain into her bridal shower.
What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
What does the mushroom say to his lover? – “I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
I’ll always be running-back to you.
What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.
Trumpester: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.
when I’m with you.
A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a woodpecker?
Bat-a-tat.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!
Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
I would rather breed mice than crows
Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.
I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.
I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
How do you make soup rich? Add 24 carrots.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
What kind of car does an otter drive? A Furrari.
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.
What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
What’s another popular Christmas song that baby koalas like to sing? “Joey to the World”, of course!