The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
This guy walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
Q. What did the bully do to the orange?
A. Beat him to a pulp.
On which day do tiger eat people?
Chewsday
One bowl of soup said to the other, "Hello Broth-er".
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
Oh buoy – we’re having a splash bash!
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
A bit late but here goes anyway: what do you call the elf who checks Santa's grammar?
A subordinate claus!
What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic.
Irish you luck.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.
What type of weapon can you make with potassium, iron and nickel? A KniFe.
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
Easter dinner was great today
We made sure it had all the crucifixins'.
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
“Elves are always defending the shape of their ears. They make some good points.”
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
What did the lipstick say after he let down his friend?
I’ll make it up to you.
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
I saw the chicken quickly crossing the basketball court? Then I remembered that the referee was blowing fowls.
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!