What do you call a bat with ebola? African batman.
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said "I like to bill them later."
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
What did one frog say.to the other?
Time's sure fun when you're having flies.
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
What did the flower say when he wanted a second chance?
I’ll grow on you.
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
How does a penguin get around?
By icicle.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
"Alcohol you later."
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
What do you call an annoying person who plays the trumpet?
A brasshole.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut ask, it’s a secret!
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
What does a witch get if she crosses a black cat and a lemon?
A sour puss.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
One should always practice what they peach.
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
What do you call a Rabbi who works with solvents?
An acidic Jew.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.
The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
It’s a dam shame.
What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
I snuggle to get through these winter days.
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
What did the fish say to the mermaid?
- Have a fintastic day!
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!