What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?
A snowmobile.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.
Cows get sad whenever they hear the songs of the pop band 'The Mooooo-dy Blues!'
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.
What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.
What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
A black bloke's back brake-block broke.
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
Don’t pass on this party – rush on over.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
How do you Charlemange-age to get through the last few days before vacation?
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.
The reason orange juice doesn’t slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
What did daddy ghoul say to his youngest son?
Stop ghouling around!
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!
A father was reading a book while his son was playing with toys on the floor. “Daddy, why is that book so thick?” asks the boy.
“It’s long story,” replies the father.
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .