How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
Crows, they just love sports, crow-quet to be precise.
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails?
To a retailer.
What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!
What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they wouldn't take a bath!
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
what do you need to have proper grammar?
a proper grampar.
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
The painting was framed, so the cops arrested it.
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Cant Touch This?”
An M.C. Hammerhead.
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
Are you squiding me right now?
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
What does Bigfoot do to relax in his spare time?
He goes bird squatching!
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.
Aliens hate playing golf in space as there are too many black holes!
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other