“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
What kind of dog keeps everything they own?
A hoarder collie.
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
I’ve always followed in my father’s footsteps until today.
He turned around and said, “STOP!”
If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
If you throw your peas in the sky you get air pods.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
The green light at the road signal looked at the red light and said, "Don't look while I am changing".
I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
How did the serve know when the bad serve was not with the hand? The server knew it was the foot fault.
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?
They can't be deboned.
Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.
Why are seabirds so lucky in love?
Because one good tern always deserves another.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
How does Frankenstein speak?
Frankly.
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
What type of food do worms like?
Your Halloween Candy!
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
Why was the pig given a red card at the football game?
For playing dirty.
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
That romantic cow took his new girlfriend to the moo-vies.
Fall is a-maize-ing.
Why was the horse such a good dancer?
It perfected its halturn.
The ocean cut off all ties with the river, because the river turned out to be too shallow.
Where do horses go to the bathroom?
The bathroom stall-ion.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"