What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
Pirates Private Property.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner? I yam what I yam.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
Why did the werewolf laugh while chewing on the skeleton?
He got to the funny bone.
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
I would have gone to space, but the cost is astronomical!
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
The reason orange juice doesn’t slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.
Ever had real cane sugar?
It cannot be beet.
What happens if an owl doesn't wash?
It smells fowl.
What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!
What do you call a dude who really likes autumn?
A fall guy!
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
When does a bat go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
Why was the koala scientist so well-respected by his peers? He was known for conducting excellent koalatative research.
Beach, please.
Q. What do you get when you cross a doe with a bull?
A. A deery cow.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.