What kind of gang violence is common among owls?
A drive by hooting.
Shes a fairy realistic person.
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
A Bisontennial!
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
Rock was magma before it was cool.
Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.
What do you call a very slow skier?
A slope-poke.
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
What was Hitler's favorite computer game?
Mein Kraft.
Who brings presents for crows on Christmas? On Christmas? Santa Caws
What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he's a fun-gi.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
What type of car did the mushroom drive by in? A spores car.