Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.
I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making
by making you an otter you can't defuse.
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
I’m so adjective, I verb noun.
Riding a camel really isn't as hard as they say it is.
Once you get over the first hump, the rest is easy.
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
What is the name of Santa’s rudest deer?
Rude-olph.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
What do goats eat?
Goatmeal.
Has the abominable snowman called?
Not Yeti.
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
What did the reindeer dad tell his son?
Deer to be different!
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
"Adulting makes me wine."
That’s a-may-zing!
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.
Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
What’s every ice cream parlor owner’s side hustle?
Sundae school teacher.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
In Ireland, I call the shots.
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.
What did the flower say to the flower next to him? Move over bud!