What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
What is the popular computer game that crows play? Caw of Duty!
What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
What to spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.
Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard
You just gotta eyeball it.
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
Son: does Easter Bunny set out 12 eggs in the field to search for?
Dad: no he dozen’t.
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
What did the puppy say to his mum?
I woof you.
Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
What kind of underwear do monkeys wear?
Chimpantsies.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
What spread do astronauts use on their toast?
. . . Space jam
What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!
What do you call Santa when he accidentally falls into the fireplace? Krisp Kringle.
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
What do you call a parrot without feathers? Bald!
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.