Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
When does soil get rich?
When mother nature makes it rain.
I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
What did the rock say after it rolled into a tree? Nothing because rocks can’t talk.
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
Everyone was spot on, you really did make a great theatre lighting tech.
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
What is a car’s favourite job?
Caretaker.
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.
My dad always said the secret to theatre was to always leave them wanting more.
He was a great guy but a terrible anaesthetist.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
Let me tell you about my grandfather. He was a good man, a brave man. He had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
When is a black dog not a black dog?
When it’s a Greyhound.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.