What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months?
I think we should sea otter people.
The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.
What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
You’re udder-ly perfect.
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I ain't no poet, but neither are you.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
What did the Australian Chess player say about the mouldy bread?
"Stalemate."
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink? Sets on the Beach.
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
I met a gnome once, our conversation was very awkward...
I’m not very good at small talk.
Do baseball players ever wear armor?
Only during knight games.
What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
German Wi-Fi is the WURST.