Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive.
Olive, who?
Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it!
I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it is just not as big. (wink wink where my curvy booties at?!)
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
"Now he's just some bunny that I used to know."
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
I really hate these strings. I can feel it in my gut.
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?
iWood
Seed between the lines.
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
I wood never leaf you.
Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
What is a witch's favorite makeup?
A ma-scare-a.
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...
We all know that rooms are just empty spaces, and no one can even dream of making a delicacy out of them. The only room is the mushroom.
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse? Sir!
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cow marijuana?
The steaks are too high.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms