I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
"You had me at merlot."
Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
I stopped for lunch at a German restaurant, but unfortunately got food poisoning. It really was the wurst.
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
When someone accidentally stepped on his foot, the wolf screamed, Aoooowwwww!
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.
Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
My friend, who's a geneticist and a rapper crossed a gorilla with an orang utan
That's his new mixed ape.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.
The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
Most unicorns start off as poor hunters until they can really horn their skills.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.
How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.
Life is brew-tiful!
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.