Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
Where do math teachers normally like to go on summer vacation?
Times Square.
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
What is a ghoul’s favorite snack food?
Ghoul scout cookies!
Why don’t fish play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net.
“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
What type of films should players watch to improve their shot? Slap stick.
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
I joined the French Submarine Corps to learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one.
They taught me periscoping techniques.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
It was a play on words.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
A star athlete in Koalaville got kicked off the Olympic team for cheating. Unfortunately, he was diskoalafied.
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
Why did the Iron Chef have to stop cooking? He ran out of Thyme.
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
Where do cats go when they die? Purr-gatory.
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.