If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?
Two ghosts were at a disco. One was having a fa-boo-lous time and the other wanted to boo-gie all night long!
I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.
The man was shocked as well.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
How did the astronaut die?
exposure to Mercury.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
I went into the library and asked for pint of milk. The librarian said 'this is a library'. So i whispered 'I'd like a pint of milk please'.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
What is the name of the onion ring that cannot but be funny? It is a Funyon!
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
You have a pizza my heart.
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
If a painter ever feels stressed or troubled, they take a vacation to the hills. It will easel their mind!
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
What's a ghost with a broken leg called? A hoblin goblin.
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
Never has there been a more romantic story than how those two geologists met.
It was lava at first sight.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
How does a lobster answer the phone?
"Shello?"
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
I had the best ice pun to tell you…
Problem is, it slipped my mind.
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
What’s a dolphin’s favorite constellation?
The Big Dipper!
Why did the bus driver stay out all night? He was 'driving' around town!
If a young goat learns a martial art, are they a karate kid?
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.