My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
My wife asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms.
I said that gummy worms are beneath me.
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
Why was Mozart a child prodigy?
All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.
What do you call a cloud that looks like a mermaid?
Aerial.
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
What do you call someone who always takes pictures of their dog?
A pup-arazzi.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?
A cannibble.
Believe in your elf.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.
What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
What’s an elephant’s favorite sport?
Squash.
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
That boy narrated his-story really well.
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
Wear green, or leaf.
Where do fish sleep? In a river bed
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
Wind energy is so popular. It has a lot of fans.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The Bogeyman.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."