Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
To get with the times, Grammar Nazi's have changed their name.
They now prefer to go by Alt-writists.
Better read than dead.
Why was the horse feeling a bit sick?
Its voice was a bit hoarse.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
I love making new friends.
That’s why I studied under Dr. Frankenstein.
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
Practice safe text: use commas.
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
From my head tomatoes, I love you bunches.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furricane
What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
Q: Why did the tornado take a break?
A: Because it ran out of wind!
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
How do fish get high?
Seaweed.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.