A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.
What does a triangle palm like to study in school? Trigonometree.
Why did the cheese get in trouble?
It was up to no gouda.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.
Chrome wasn't built in a day.
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
Avoid pier pressure.
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
At the end of the year, there is always a rock n’ bowl concert where everyone gets entertained.
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.
My Gourd, Autumn is so fall of herself!
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
What does a snail wear to go dancing?? Escargogo boots.
How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.
What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
Ape-rons.
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.
But it’s actually a common mist-conception.
A snapping turtle is a turtle that takes up pgotography.
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.