What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
"Have an eggs-tra special Easter day."
Why is the letter B so cold? Because it’s between the AC.
Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.
What do you get when it rains potatoes? Spuddles.
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jelly button.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day? 92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
What’s an orange’s favourite animal? An orange-utan.
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
It’s party thyme.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle neck jumper.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
Treat yo shelves.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
Which search engine is popular amongst mice? Ask Cheese.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
What did the tornado say to the sports car?
Let's go for a spin!
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
What Twix do you have up your sleeve that makes me love you?
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.