I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap?
It was always on shale.
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
My favorite denim blue jeans just turned brown. I think I will have to call it Dung-arees!
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk.
Why are skeletons so good at telling jokes?
Because they have a funny bone.
I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
Why did the volleyball player get sent to jail? Because he was set up.
The sun's favorite color is ultraviolet. Apparently, it glows with everything.
A prankster played a really dark and dim-witted joke at the theatre. He turned off the lights.
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
Why did it take the teen pig so long to get ready for school in the morning?
She was very piggy when it comes to choosing what to wear!
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
Who is a potato’s favorite author? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
A teacher asks the class to name six mammals that you might find in Africa. One of the pupils replies, “five zebras and a lion”.
Why do worms have trouble getting up in the morning? Because the early bird catches the worm.