Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
What did the mama elf say to her mischievous child?
“Stop elvesdropping on Santa!”
What do ghosts and monsters drink after scaring people?
Ghoul-Aid.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
You’re my lucky charm.
"I mead more wine."
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
What is it called when a dinosaur hits a homerun?
A Dino-Score.
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
What is the most effective way to cook a crocodile?
In a croc pot.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.
Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
"Just looking on the sunny side."
Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!
What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.
How many Chinese folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change lightbulbs, then just dim sum.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer. Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs.
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
What’s a ghoul’s favorite love story?
Romeo and Ghouliet!
What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.