What do polite whales always say?
You’re whale-come.
What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?
A handicapacitor.
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
Sad to hear that Baron von Frankenstein has given up on his dream of being an actor.
He couldn’t get the parts.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
How did the astronaut die?
exposure to Mercury.
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
Q: How does a butcher keep his tent up in a strong winds?
A: With steaks!
I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside.
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
I really like the Lion King
and every day the urge to sing one of the songs is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
What do you say to a flower after a breakup?
Get clover it.
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
Why don’t giraffes do drugs?
Because they’re naturally high.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
What kind of werewolf can track down flowers ?
A bud hound
The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.