I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
What type of songs do planets sing?
Nep-Tunes.
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.
Where do rocks like to sleep? In bedrocks!
What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? Anything she wants!
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because there was a quack in the sidewalk.
I’m elf-taught.
What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
Why did the horny duck circle the baseball field?
She hoped to catch some fowl balls.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
Why is it always quiet in the forest? Because all of the trees sleep like a dog.
How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
How did the macho bee with eczema feel?
B-Itchy
What cheesy dip do deer love to eat?
Fawn-due.
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
My dad always said the secret to theatre was to always leave them wanting more.
He was a great guy but a terrible anaesthetist.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
Each year, lots of wolves go treating in howl-o-ween.
What did one hummus say to the other hummus
“Sabra.”
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully I’m cured.
I’m ex-static!
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?