The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.
Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Hop-scotch (or leapfrog).
What did the pig say on a hot summer’s day?
I’m bacon!
Where do fish wash? In a river basin.
He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
Why do bananas have to wear sunscreen?
Because they peel.
Last time I was in France I wanted to ask a question about strawberries
But I wasn't sure how to fraise it.
Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
Thin grippy thick slippery.
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
hat’s the most sophisticated kind of bread?
The upper crust.
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
Nothing really mattress.
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
What did the crow decide to dress up as on Halloween? As a scarecrow.
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
When you cross a wolf and Fred Astaire, you get dances with wolves.
What is a dog’s favorite pick-up line?
You must be my backyard… because I dig you
What do teenage deer do at slumber parties?
Truth or deer.
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.