What do you call a parrot that flew away?
A polygon.
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
German Wi-Fi is the WURST.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet?
A UF-hoe.
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
If pigs learned to fly, would the price of bacon skyrocket?
skyrocket
That raven is so stubborn at times, he just needs to crow up.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.
I am happy that the arrangements for St Patrick's day are going great. The large bottles of green soda look pitcher-perfect.
Why are cats such great singers? Because they’re very mewsical
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
Where do astronauts go for lunch?
Apollo Loco.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs.
Number 3 will shock you
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.
Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
What’s an elephant’s favorite sport?
Squash.
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
Each Easter Eddie eats eighty Easter eggs.
The local motorway has become blocked after a truck shed it's load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes.
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
How does Frankenstein eat his dinner?
He bolts it down.
Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)
I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter