Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ears off.
Why can’t you screw with whales?
because they hump back.
Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?
His name was Only One Cannoli.
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
All clover the world.
Sometimes planes go in for maintenance when they have cracks in their bodywork, we call them air-line fractures.
Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.
Why do watermelons take such a long time to make decisions?
“They’re always melon it over.”
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
You knead me in your loaf.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated?
He became a French fry.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
Why couldn't the father afford to take his kids to classical music concerts?
Because he was Baroque
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
Why were the melon lovers sad?
Because they cantaloupe.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
A slow poke is what you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine.
Why did the duck go to the bank?
Because he wanted to get a new bill.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
Why did the banana go to see the doctor? The banana was not peeling very well.
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
What does a stick say when it falls down?
"Wood you help me up?"
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
What is the popular computer game that crows play? Caw of Duty!
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
Why did the mummy get a divorce?
His wife was a ghoul-digger who was just after his mummy.
Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.