I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
Why did the hummus blush?
Because it saw a chickpea!
The boot black brought the black boot back.
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy
German Wi-Fi is the WURST.
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
What do bats say to those they dislike? Good riddance to bat rubbish!
A ghost's favourite pie flavour is boo-berry.
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
Where do horses go to the bathroom?
The bathroom stall-ion.
The doctor told me I probably won’t be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.
I was crushed by the news.
What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?
They both share your blood.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
"Aloe you vera much."
Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Don’t moss around.
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
Tie twine to three tree twigs.
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
How did the Native Americans get to America first?
They had reservations.
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”