If snowmen can’t ride bicycles, tricycles, or unicycles, what can they ride?
Icicles!
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
Why does nobody invite Jupiter to the space parties? Because he has too much gas, always…
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
"Over-easy like Sunday morning."
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention.
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes a village!
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.
It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.
Why did the horse never get cold?
It was a Dutch warmblood.
I loaf you a lot.
Let’s go to bread.
What did one hummus say to the other hummus
“Sabra.”
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.
What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.
Just brew it!
The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.
Who did the ghost invite to his party? Any old friend he could dig up.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
Feeling my shelf.
What does a witch get if she crosses a black cat and a lemon?
A sour puss.