What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
A flamingo only ever asks for a plaster when it hurts its pinky.
Tropic like it's hot.
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
Why did the panda’s joke suck?
It was unbearable.
What is it called when two spies hug?
A bond-ing moment.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.
The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars?
A Lot
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
My friend, who's a geneticist and a rapper crossed a gorilla with an orang utan
That's his new mixed ape.
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
I wish you were a fish in my dish.
When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
I love meat. I think going vegetarian would be a big missed steak.
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
What did the bat complain about?
Flying with such frequency was exhausting.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
The walls in this tennis factory are so thin, that when I try to get some work done, all I hear is people making a racquet.
How does the weather tie its shoes? Witha rainbow!
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Why did the fairy play football?
Because she was fairy sportable!
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.