What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.
What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
On reflection, vampires aren't actually that scary.
What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.
When moving a piece of furniture at the weather station, you'll be needing four casters.
What does a snail wear to go dancing?? Escargogo boots.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
What is a polar bear’s favorite food?
Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
Who were Gumby’s favorite Bible characters?
Shadrack, Meshack & AhBENDago.
What does an artist call his sketch pad? A house.
We make a great pear
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!
The company is planning to make a new series to show people how to fly an aeroplane. They are now filming the pilot.
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
What's a goblins favorite dinner?
Ghoulash.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
What do you call a police officer who plays the drums?
A beat cop.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one