I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.
Have you ever tried to write your own puns?
It's a fairly difficult pun-dertaking!
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
Why did the mummy get a divorce?
His wife was a ghoul-digger who was just after his mummy.
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
"Beat it." — Michael Jackson, "Beat It"
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
One day, tamarind, curry and ice were crossing the road. All of a sudden they heard a gunshot. Then, tamabrind ball, curry duck and ice-cream!
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
Checking in for a flight, I was asked, "Window or Aisle?"
I said, "Window or you'll do what?
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
I have the final sleigh.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
Whale, hello there.