What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
It feels great to hit the ball again. It spin a long time.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
Q. What do you get when a swine artist mixes two colors together?
A. Pigment.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
Is it hard to count conifers? It’s as simple as one, two, tree!
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”
How do you save a drowning mouse ?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
What is a car’s favourite film?
Taxi.
What do llamas always reply when you thank them?
No probllama.
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
What do you get when you spill soup on a comic book? Souperman.
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane chocolate
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft
A Duct-ape.
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
What do you call an ant from overseas?
Import-ant.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!