Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
I’ve been selected to hide eggs in my town’s big Easter festival next year!
This is an eggs-hiding opportunity!
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.
Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
How did the gorilla know she was poorly? She had a belly ape.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
Star Warts.
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
Wolves love shopping and they can literally die for. However, none of them loves the flea market for obvious reasons!
How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level
Do you find bone puns humerus?
What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
Why was the burger sad after losing the race? Because the hotdog was the weiner.
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
The chicken got sent off in the middle of the match because of their persistent fowl play.
What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
A teacher asks the class to name six mammals that you might find in Africa. One of the pupils replies, “five zebras and a lion”.
What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? More than the dinosaur.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
What do you call a gorilla with no arms?
An ape-utee
We bee-long together.
The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.