What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
Flamingos are great at social events; they flamingle really well.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
I-scream!
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
Did you hear about the rundown swimming pool?
It was a real dive!
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
Where do wasps go on holiday?
Stingapore.
Why does the paparazzi beaver have a camera pointing towards the river? To keep up with current events and give main-stream updates.
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles because there’s a mile between each s.
What do you call a cross between a donkey and a zebra?
Debra.
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
What did the pun mom say to the new pun dad?
We have a pun in the oven!
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
You raise the bar.
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
I only have ice for you.
What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.
There’s so mushroom in my heart for you.
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.