What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.
In the eyes of the lawn.
What makes a glow worm glow?
A light meal!
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.
I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
[Water Slide] I was going to get some work done, but I decided to let it slide.
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
What happens if the Grim Reaper spikes the ball? You have to dig your own grave.
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
What is the preferred shampoo brand of truck drivers?
Lorry-el
What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
What dinner dish does a developing neuron use?
A neural plate.
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
You can’t predict wind speeds with certainty. The best you can do is make a gust-imate.
We’re a perfect mash.
A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!
This weekend is going to be LITerary.
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.
Why can’t you screw with whales?
because they hump back.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
Where do the keys on a keyboard go to have a good time
The spacebar.
Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.
The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.
What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.
What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
What currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
What do aspens wear to school? A tree-shirt.
I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.
I bought my daughter into a radio...
She's not very e-static about it.