Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
Why won’t the mushroom buy a couch? - He prefers toadstools.
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Shepherds Pie
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
What is a cat’s favorite Tom Hanks character? Furrest Gump.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
Birch, please.
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
What’s a potato’s least favorite dance? The Mash Potato.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
The poor werewolf was busy chasing his own tail. We were later told that he was trying to make ends meet.
Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on its mouse!
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
Forget about watermelons, I heard having a windmelon your property is the best way to get clean and renewable electricity.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test?
This is too much pressure!
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
The scientists decided to clean up the Thames because it had a dirty mouth.
It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.