What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
What did the pepperoni say to the cook?
You wanna pizza me?
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.
Lost at sea? I'm not shore.
Why did the other volleyball team bow? Because they heard that the queens of the court were there.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
How rare is an excellent father?
Legen-daddy
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Why do wine lovers guzzle down vine humor?
Because wine jokes are a barrel of laughs.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Ba-dum-tss
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree at me. It was a hambush.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
When doesn’t a bull have horns?
When it’s a bullfrog.
The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they’d look silly with long hair!
What do you call a bear that’s stuck out in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Q. What is a gorilla in a wheelchair called?
A. Dis-ape-led.
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
I find you very a-peeling.
"You crack me up."
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!