The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
Four types of weather were having a race. Sunny won gold, cloudy got silver, snowy picked up a bronze, and rainy won a precipitation award.
What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert? O' Camel ye faithful.
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
Herb your enthusiasm.
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
I get a real kick out of you.
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!
"You might not carrot all, but you're irresistible."
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
Super-duper storm troopers whoop it up at Death Star groupers: helmet thrashing, rebel bashing, laser blasting at party poopers.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled...
But it's hard to say...
What's a pun's best trait?
His pun-ctuality!
What’s a glow worms favourite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
What do you think the boy star told the girl star? I really glow for you.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.
Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
You’re brew-tiful!
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
How does Bigfoot clear his sinuses?
With a yeti pot.
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
Rebel without a Claus.
Why do worms taste like chewing gum?
Because they’re wrigleys!
What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"