How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
Werewolf Weather Furcast: Tomorrow we expect heavy showers.
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard
You just gotta eyeball it.
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
How does a restaurant get the freshest ingredients? They cut a dill.
What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
I love when you coddle me.
When winter comes, this town turns into an iceburg.
Why did the cow go right up to the spaceship? To see the Mooooooooooon.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
Why did people stop going to the ghoul hospital?
They kept coming out dead!
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
What's the wind's favourite colour?
Blew
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.