What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Remember, Irish puns on St. Patrick's Day don't just shame you. They Seamus all.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
Where does a fisherman go to get his hair cut?
The fisherman goes to a bobber shop!
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
The weatherman said it might get a bit drizzly outside.
You can expect a Lil’ Wayne.
A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.
The ocean made me salty.
I was cracking some lame fall puns when my friend commented, "Gosh, you are acorny person!"
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
Why are volleyball players always so blameless? They always pass the blame and try to avoid faults.
What did the snowman order at the fast food restaurant?
An ice burger extra cheese.
What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
What sound do 8 sheep make?
Octo-bah.
What’s striped and goes round and round?
A tiger in a revolving door.
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
Bad puns are how eye roll.
What do you call a cold werewolf?
A chilli dog.
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
Q. What is a popular search engine for ghosts?
A. GHOULgle!
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
How do trees get on a computer?
They just log in.
What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
I wish you were a fish in my dish.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
Why do people like storm watching so much?
The lightning is quite striking!
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
What is it called when two spies hug?
A bond-ing moment.
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
What do golf and se* have in common?
They’re two things you can enjoy even if you’re bad at both of them.