What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
"Beat it." — Michael Jackson, "Beat It"
Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
How many berries could a bare berry carry,
if a bare berry could carry berries?
Well they can't carry berries
(which could make you very wary)
but a bare berry carried is more scary!
"That's all, yolks."
The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.
What does a Saudi bee call its bros?
Habibees.
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and leave, it could spell disaster.
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.
What kind of croc hangs out in back passages around town?
An Alley-gator.
A classically trainer theater performer just became a spy.
I guess you could say they perform... thespionage
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Did you hear of the story of the tornado? There is a twist at the end.
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
A drummer got a tattoo of a drum kit on himself
It was very cymbalic.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on that worm this morning. You should have seen it, it looked genuinely crushed.
“Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.”
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I’ve ever seen.
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
One of my neighbours was stealing things from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the shoulders of two vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.