What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
You’re my soul Santa.
I have no shelf control.
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? Pillowcases.
What is an ogre's favorite snack?
Y-ogre-t.
What made the baby cookie cry so loud? His mother was a wafer so long.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Where are dramatic hard drives from?
Oh I/O
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
Mooning is very ASStrological
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
Four types of weather were having a race. Sunny won gold, cloudy got silver, snowy picked up a bronze, and rainy won a precipitation award.
What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert? O' Camel ye faithful.
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
Herb your enthusiasm.
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
I get a real kick out of you.
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!
"You might not carrot all, but you're irresistible."
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut