Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
I saw the chicken quickly crossing the basketball court? Then I remembered that the referee was blowing fowls.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
What type of car did the mushroom drive by in? A spores car.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
I went to an Easter party as a Jesus cosplayer
I told them I was a crossplayer.
What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?
Anything you want — he can’t hear you.
Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
On a keyboard, nothing is under control.
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
Don't get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t like being known about-?
Anonymouse.
What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.
Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
Live to tell the tail.
Why did they take Polly away?
He went crackers!
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
Wholey-grain! You really bread my mind!