You seem a little mer-mad.
Which is the Richest Cheese in the world? Paris Stilton.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
I call the shots.
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
The beaver offered some freshly streamed buns to his guests.
A trip to Ireland is quite a cliffhanger.
Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.
Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.
What does a frog order in Mcdonald's?
French flies and a diet croak.
Fresh fried fish,
Fish fresh fried,
Fried fish fresh,
Fish fried fresh.
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
My lifeguard friend had come back home and wanted to do some work, so I gave him my computer to use. Now I have a screen-saver at my house.
Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
I saw a pun on chocolate bars but it wasn’t that fun
So I just snickered.
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.
I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!