What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
Q: Why couldn’t the orange believe that her friend had let her down?
A: This was because citrus-ted him!
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Check matey!
How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
What did the snowman eat?
Icebergs with chilli sauce.
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
Which ancient Greek Philosopher had a foot fetish?
Play-toe.
Or was it Sock-rates?
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
Werewolf Weather Furcast: Tomorrow we expect heavy showers.
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred