What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
“Look out for Santa Paws!”
Only a**holes use bidets.
Have you ever wondered which part of the flamingo has the most feathers? I found out once – turns out it’s the outside.
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
How did the horse break into the mainframe?
It was a hack.
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
What do you call the least popular color in the rainbow? The weakest pink.
My kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...
I hope this will not surface again
What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
What’s an elephant’s secret talent?
They’re great at multi-tusking.
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
Why is earth worm humor offensive?
They only know dirty jokes.
What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.
It takes one to snow one.
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
The bowling solder decided to launch a pre-emptive strike.
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
The pint’s the limit.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
If your piglet wants to be a wizard, there’s only one alternative: Hogwarts.
What’s the silliest name you can give a tiger?
Spot.
What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.