How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
Did you hear about the gnome rogue?
Of course not, that g is silent!
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.
Within the labyrinthine bureaucracy prowls the deadly Adminotaur.
When the cow forget how to give milk, she was udderly confused.
Did Cyclops the X-man play hockey? Yes, he enjoyed lasing up the skates.
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
I-scream!
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
What might folks in Tokyo find between Godzilla's toes?
Slow runners.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
What did the baby goat say to his father?
I kid you not.
Dad has a pet snake that eats the grass in his yard.
It's a lawnboa.
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!
How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.
I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
I was walking by a yard sale the other day.
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew I couldn’t turn that down.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
How much dew does a dewdrop drop
If dewdrops do drop dew?
They do drop, they do
As do dewdrops drop
If dewdrops do drop dew.
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
What do you call a fish whith a car? A carfish!
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
Beer-lieve it or not!