Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
I want to tell you an excellent ice pun, but the problem is that it’s just slipped my mind.
It’s a beautiful Degas!
What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
Q. Which kind of ape enjoys smoking tobaco?
A. Cigarilla.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
Sad to hear that Baron von Frankenstein has given up on his dream of being an actor.
He couldn’t get the parts.
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.
What do you call someone who always takes pictures of their dog?
A pup-arazzi.
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine
Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
Do you know how to dunk cookies? Ask a basketball chef.
Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
All of those sleepless knights.
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
This autumn, the garden told the mower to leaf him alone in peace.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
How does a restaurant get the freshest ingredients? They cut a dill.
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
I cut down a tree in my yard, but I don't know what to do next.
I'm stumped!
It wasn't til I studied Spanish as an adult that learned Spain discovered Canada.
As our teacher explained it, the first maps said "Acá, nada."
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
Which author is anxious to write the book: Colorado Rockies, World Series Champs?
Ben Whayten.
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.