How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
What’s striped and goes round and round?
A tiger in a revolving door.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
Who cleans all the mess created by beavers after their beach trip? Mer-maids.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
The local motorway has become blocked after a truck shed it's load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes.
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea
My girlfriend and I saw an inflatable gorilla In front of a jacuzzi store
She asked me why they would do that for a jacuzzi store. I told her it was a guerilla tactic. She was not impressed.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
If cheese were downloadable, then I'd try to throw my hard drive as far as possible.
What I'm saying is, I'd chuck e-cheese.
Why didnt the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
How the tree introduce themselves to the dentist?
“Implant”
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
I never knew how lightning worked
Thats until it finally struck me.
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
Why do criminals hate coins?
Because half of them are coppers.
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.