Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
What kind of jewelry do witches wear?
Charm bracelets.
Sometimes we eat a crow while other times we eat Croatia.
English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
What did the man say after spending hours skiing?
"I'm starving, can I avalanche?"
Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
Ones a crustaecian and the other is a crushed Asian.
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
What did Gorgonzola say to Cheddar? Lookin' Sharp.
Werewolves love their fast food.
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
I read dead people.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
What did the reindeer dad tell his son?
Deer to be different!
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito?
Himalarya.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
What is it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?
Tech knuckle support.
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
What is the the chemical formulation for candy molecules? Carbon, Holmium, Cobalt, Lanthanum, Tellerium—or ChoCoLaTe.
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.