What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"
What do you say when your horse proposes to your other horse?
Call the marrier!
What do you call a pear with loose morals?
A prostifruit.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
What do you call a painting by a cat of herself? A self paw-trait.
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
I love spending koala-ty time with you.
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
Did you hear about the spies trying to infiltrate japan, Italy, and Germany in WWII?
They were denied axis.
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A bear-faced lyre.
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs.
What do the Scottish cars wear as hats?
Flat-caps.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
I won’t let you slip through my Butter Fingers.
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Sleigh queen, sleigh.
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
What does a basketball player say when he misses?
Shoot!
Who babysits young Bigfoots?
Sasq-watcher.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
What did the cherry say when it was given a bunch of flowers? You are cherry sweet.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
What do troll mathematicians like to solve?
Parabolems?
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!